The Home Team
The most important team you\'ll ever play for is the one at home
by: Aaron S. Lee©
More from this issue
8 Tips In an effort to keep
football coaches on good terms with their significant others,
AFM has compiled these eight tips to help you maintain balance
between career and family:
1) Pick Up the Phone - That’s right, call. Your
wife understands the demands of your job, but at least pick
up the phone once a day for a five minute call just to let
her know that you are thinking of her.
2) Date Night - At least one night per week (which is
often easier said than done) should be designated as a date
night. This does not have to necessarily be a night on the
town as dinner at home with the wife and kids can be just
as effective.
3) Road Trip - Even if it is just a shared ride to
the television studio to tape your local television show or
a trip to the grocery store, a 30-minute car ride with your
spouse can do wonders.
4) Involvement - Emphasize spousal involvement with
the team or staff in regards to the football program and the
community.
5) Good Attitude - You’re time with family is limited,
so win or lose on the field, focus on family at home and not
football.
6) Come Home - Sure, you want to hang around campus and
watch one of your starting tailbacks compete in the district
baseball tournament, but if you have an opportunity to be
home with your family, do it.
7) Location - One good idea, when possible, is to live
close to work. Therefore, little jaunts home are not only
possible, but also welcome.
8) Define Duties - Make a list of household activities
(or chores) that you can take part in each day/week to help
shoulder some of the responsibilities involved with running
a healthy, happy home.
Compiled by AFM with the help of Dianna Coker, Ellie Mallory,
Carol James and Jill Welch
It
has been said more than once that “behind every good man is
a good woman,” and perhaps that statement has never been more
relevant than in the time-demanding, high-stakes world of coaching
football. From the junior high ranks to the pros, successful coaches
have often benefited from the solid foundation that only a supportive
spouse can provide. After all, whether you find yourself facing
the adulation of gracious fans or the onslaught of an angry firing
squad, you can always count on those closest to you to not only
keep you grounded, but also throw you a lifeline.
But with all the time devoted to a job that demands up to 16 hours
a day, seven days a week, have you ever really stopped to ask yourself
what your spouse really wants? So perhaps it is time to see the
world of football through the eyes of those that matter most.
Before winning the national championship in 2001 at the University
of Miami during his first-ever year as a college football head coach,
Larry Coker spent many a season paying his dues and learning his
trade as an assistant coach in the college ranks and at the high
school level while raising his daughter, Lara, with his wife Dianna.
“You know, Larry and I started out in high school football,”
said Dianna Coker, “And in high school football you get a taste
of the demands, but you still have some family time.
“We then had many, many years in the trenches as an assistant
coach, and as an assistant coach you are doing a lot of the work,
but not getting the glory. However, you do get rewards in different
ways. As a wife you get it because you know that you are being supportive
to your husband who is doing what he loves to do.”
Both Larry and Dianna Coker know first hand the importance of maintaining
an even balance between work and family, which is often easier said
than done.
“I can remember recruiting at Oklahoma State and I was at a
small high school in eastern Oklahoma,” said Coach Coker. “My
daughter was having a band concert in Stillwater for her spring
concert and I missed it. Believe me, that is a tough thing to deal
with and a tough part of this job.”
“One of the key things for us was that we were able to raise
our daughter while we were still at the high school level,”
added Dianna Coker. “In high school football, coaches still
have some family time and family life is very important with me.
In fact, I thrive on the family unit and I have sympathy for those
that are starting a family at the college level.”
But according to Dianna Coker, it has not always been a walk in
the park.
“I’ve had coaches say to me that they wished their wife
liked football the way I like football, and I let them know that
in the beginning I didn’t because it took too much time away
from me and my family life. But then I thought ‘wait a minute,
this is something that he loves to do and I cannot ask him not to
do it, so I’ve got to be creative enough to fit into the process.’
Some things have worked for me and others have not, but constantly
asking for demands on his time will never be beneficial and are
counterproductive.”
“My wife understands the demands of coaching more than ever,”
said Larry Coker. “There are sacrifices in coaching and if
your family is very possessive and wants a lot of your time, then
it can make things very difficult in the coaching profession.”
During those early days, Dianna Coker would steal as much time with
her husband as possible, even if it meant more work for her. Often
she spent weekends helping Coach Coker at the field house, just
to grab an extra minute here or there.
“I would help with the team laundry,” she said. “Now
imagine, I am not only doing the laundry at home, but also doing
it at the field house, which is one of the smelliest places on earth.
But it was a way to spend more time with my husband and become more
involved with his career and the game. I also wanted my daughter
to know all aspects of the game, not just the Friday night glory,
but also the laundry and practices that go along with it.”
It is that kind of dedication and commitment to family that has
helped the Cokers enjoy not only championship success, but also
the stability and growth of family support.
“One time we had an assistant coach whose wife was struggling
with the demands of her husband’s profession,” Dianna
Coker said. “So I asked her what she thought of mine and Larry’s
relationship and she said, ‘It’s wonderful!’ I asked
her if she ever thought that our relationship was ever like her
own and she said, ‘no’ ... I told her that she was very
wrong and that there was a point in time when I felt the same as
she did. Change doesn’t come overnight.
“This is Life 101,” she concluded. “Every family
has to deal with the same problems, such as money issues, moving
issues, family issues ... so you better have a pretty good foundation
to get through it, because there are peaks and valleys in everyone’s
life.”
AFCWA ...
Back in 1988 at the American Football Coaches Association convention
in Dallas, a group of coaches’ wives, led by Dorothy Faye McClendon,
Patti Edwards, Carol James, Janice Walden, Danielle Teaff and Ellie
Mallory sat over coffee and doughnuts discussing the ever-growing
need for an association for the wives of football coaches. They
took it upon themselves to create an organization that would help
bolster camaraderie and support, thus creating the American Football
Coaches Wives Association, which also offers informative newsletters
and scholarship opportunities for its members.
“We looked around at the time and simply saw that there was
a need,” said Ellie Mallory, the AFCWA’s first president
and a current member of the board of trustees. “Most of the
wives were at-home mothers, but that has changed. Many women are
working with careers away from home or out of the home, and the
demands on coaches’ wives are even greater than before.”
Each year, the AFCWA opens its doors to all football coaches’
wives from the junior high ranks to the professional ranks. The
AFCWA’s annual meeting coincides with the AFCA convention with
guest speakers that talk about moving, dealing with children (who
also get pulled into the limelight and treated differently, good
or bad) and sharing your husband (who is spread so thin with other
peoples’ children, school officials, etc.).
“We talk about what life is like after your husband is fired,”
said Mallory, wife of former Indiana head coach, Bill Mallory. “After
all, life after being fired can be pretty catastrophic for a new
wife, and that it’s not uncommon and it does not mean that
your husband is a lousy person. If you have not been fired yet as
a coach, chances are that you will be. The AFCWA wants its members
to know that others have been fired and gone on to greater things.”
“I really think that the AFCWA is so important,” added
Bill Mallory. “It is a tremendous opportunity for the older
wives to give advice and support to those new to the industry.”
What your wife really wants ...
So, what does your wife really want? Time. Yes, time, and as much
as reasonably possible. This is not brain surgery, just a phone
call, or a night out on the town or even a simple kiss on the cheek.
“Just to have that one night a week is good, just one,”
said Jill Welch, wife of Longview, Texas, high school football coach,
Jeff Welch. “Because you are not going to get any more than
that. Women that require a lot of attention that marry coaches,
end up divorced because you are not going to get it. You have to
be independent and be able to take care of things yourself.
“What works for us may not work for other people,” said
Carol James, wife of former University of Washington head coach,
Don James. “We always made our family our top priority.”
“He (Don James) didn’t play golf in the summer so he could
spend time with us at the baseball fields or the track,” added
Jill Woodruff, daughter of Don and Carol James and wife of Eastern
Michigan head coach, Jeff Woodruff. “He made sure that he made
us feel important.”
Times have changed since coaches like Bill Mallory virtually lived
in the office while working in the trenches for men like Woody Hayes.
Coaches have to remember to place priorities on the things that
matter most.
“You have to give your family support and not put too much
on their shoulders,” said Bill Mallory. “Sometimes we
are not good time managers and we must remember to spend quality
time with family because you are not just a coach, but you are a
father and husband first.”
To learn more about the AFCWA log onto www.afcwa.org.